There was strife between the two sisters over their husband and Lea had the advantage - she was not barren. She bore Jacob six sons and with each she hopes for a change. “Where will my change come?”
Lea hoped to be loved, accepted, wanted, desired. By her fruits she sought healing for her wounded heart. If only I give him what he wants he will surely love me more. I am trying. I am doing my best. I give him my love. I do so much for him, but there is no change. Well, this time there will surely come a change. This time he will surely love me. This time our relationship be different. This time he will be intimate with me. This time I will be treated better. This time I will be there because I. Because I gave. Because I did. Because I want. Because I served. Because I deserve.
Yes, we find ourselves in such places many times as we try to bring change because we gave. Lea wanted a change but her eyes (her heart) was focused on her performance. What will I gain out of it?” mentality.
We try to bring change to our life by doing our best. We try to gain our Lord's love or maybe people’s love and attention by giving our best fruits. It almost sounds like "You see God? You see how much I do for You? Not You will surely love me more". Or maybe "Now You will surely love me more than them".
However, we cannot bring change because of what we do, but because of who we are. In other words, based on who the Lord IS in us. We cannot gain God's love because we love more. We love because this is who we are and that’s who He is.
God will not love us more or love us less if we perform better. He will not give you more because you do more. He loves and He gives because this is who He is. He gave us His Son not based on anything we did. God is a Giver and a Lover. He gives all the time and He loves all the time.
He loves you just the way you are, with all your faults and weaknesses, and His love for you is already 100%. He is fully committed to you in His faithfulness. He will not love you more or give you more because of your much giving, much serving, much commitment, many prayers, much knowledge, or much experience. He does not build a love relationship with you based on “if you give I will give you. If you do I will do for you”. His love is not conditional as it was under the Law. He has opened a door for us to receive from Him freely. We just need to learn to receive and understand the depth of His grace. He loves you because of who He is, not because of who you are or what you can or cannot do.
God already knows everything about you and He is not even surprised when you fail. No, He is not upset or turns His face, or tells you to go fix yourself and then come back to Him. He is here (not there) for you at any moment and in any situation, and says "You are Mine, and I am here and not going anywhere because My love for you is an everlasting one. My love for you never changes but will always be the same for you. Will you let Me show you the depth of my love for you?"
I remember a day of grace when I messed up and I was very upset. All I wanted is to hide somewhere and if possible just be somewhere far, away and by myself. I had no where to go to so I ran to my prayer closet and cried out to the Lord, telling Him about this mess. I was actually complaining and telling Him "I can't do it. I can't take it anymore. This pit is too much for me and I am not learning anything. I still get upset, I still react, I still fight my battles and raise up my defenses. I can't forgive for this one. I can't do it Lord and I don't know how to do it".
I was sitting there talking to the Lord and crying out to Him to help me forgive “I can't find it in me, Lord".
As I was talking to the Lord and pointing to my mess, showing Him what I can't do and how I reacted, He spoke to me and said: "Do you see Elana? Do you see?" - “See what, Lord?” "Do you see the change? -“What change, Lord?” “Do you see how much you have changed? - “No, I don’t see anything, Lord”. “Do you see what you are asking Me? You were asking Me to help you forgive. Do you see the change in you? Why do you keep looking and pointing to your mess? I want you to look and see the changes in you. I am working in you one step at a time". I kept pointing over to the left, but He kept pointing me to the right. The Lord shifted my view. He shifted my vision and wanted me to focus on His work in me, and not my mess and inabilities.
The Lord turned my situation completely around. I found myself sitting there and laughing at my situation. I was literally laughing. He filled me with this laughter and gave me that inner love to forgive and move on. I couldn't believe I even asked Him to help me be humble and ask for forgiveness. He did. Yes, there is hope for the hopeless. There is grace in abundance and it's flowing from our Lord's heart. As much as you need He will give you. Just run to His refuge.
It is so easy to look at the mess and what needs to be fixed. It's hard to see the change in you. Ask the Lord to show you. A week later a situation happened and someone said something very hurtful. The Lord spoke to me and said "Do you see the change Elana? Someone just offended you but you didn't even notice it".
When I tried to think at what had happened I realized someone did say something with an attitude, but it passed right through and did not stick. Not only I did not react, I didn’t even pay attention. The arrow did not hit my heart.
The Lord wants us to become like Teflon. You know, those non stick pans. Nothing sticks there. It's the oil of the Holy Spirit that makes sure the arrows that fly by night do not stick in your heart.
Wait for the Lord to bring His change in you as He allows you to go through uncomfortable situations. Job 14:14-15 NASB "If a man dies, will he live again? All the days of my struggle I will wait Until my change comes. 15 "You will call, and I will answer You; You will long for the work of Your hands. I pray the Lord will help you see the change and shift your focus on Him and His works in your life.
Love, Elana
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